His Worst Week
by nerdyninjaunicorn
Summary: Between dealing with an OOC!Dumbledore, scolding students, and dealing with cliched plotlines, Severus Snape is in for the worst week he has ever had


**A/N: So today, I was thinking "Why have I never wrote a fanfic about Snape?" and I've had this plot bunny in my head for a while, so I thought "Eh, what the hell? Let's write it!"**

Severus Snape felt positively murderous.

Well, maybe murderous is a bit of a strong word, but he was certainly angry. He had been having a very bad week. And the one responsible was a certain Albus Dumbledore.

It had began last Saturday, the day the staff meeting were taking place. Severus usually looked forward to this occasion, as he usually had the chance to rant about his least favorite students and have some of Pomona's scones (they really were good, as much as he'd protest).

However, Albus was acting rather...strange.

"First order of business, everybody," Albus said in usual cheerful gait (Severus often wondered if he was actually a Hufflepuff). "I think it would be beneficial to the students if we had a program to celebrate the unity of all four houses, so on Friday night, we shall be moving the fifth years sleep in different dorms!"

Severus almost choked on his scone.

"Albus, are you sure this is wise?" Minerva asked, clearly baffled.

"But...that's the night before the Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff game," Filius urged. "The players will be tired..."

"Nonsense!" Albus chuckled "Also, we shall be having the Head Boy and Head Girl sharing a Common Room! They shall have their own rooms, obviously, and a conjoining bathroom!"

Severus was appalled. In his usual drawl, he said "May I remind the headmaster that Mr. Tyler and Ms. Adams are the Head Boy and Girl, and in what appears to be a very close romantic relationship-"

"They'll be fine, Severus!"

"But Professor-" Minerva objected.

"Minerva, are you questioning my power?" Albus asked quietly, as if hurt.

"Well, no-"

"Great! Does anyone have anything else to say?"

Severus grinned evilly. His favorite part of the evening. Complaining.

"We really need to get Mr. Longbottom in control," he said, in his typical monotone, but cherishing his time to say unpleasant things about the poor boy "His last accident in my class nearly sent us all to Kingdom Come."

"He's rather attractive, isn't he?" Dumbledore asked dreamily.

Minerva, who had been sipping her tea at time, spit it across the table. Hwr embarrassing situation, however, was not noticed by the other faculty members, who were staring wide eyed at the headmaster.

Severus, attempting to keep calm, asked "Are you suggesting that Mr. Longbottom is..."

"Mr. Longbottom? Oh, dear me, no! Though I have a feeling that in years to come puberty will be a kind mistress to him, and will be a very...handsome man. But no, I'm referring Mr. Potter. Aren't his eyes the most beautiful things you've ever seen?"

Severus felt a lump in his throat as he remembered Lily. Dear, sweet Lily Evans, will those green eyes...now, they stared at him bleakly in Potions class, on a face nearly identical to loathsome Potter who had tortured him without mercy, humiliated him, belittled the poor, greasy, slimy Severus...

"...And that body, toned by Quidditch," Albus rambled on, jerking Severus out on his angst ridden thoughts.

"Professor Dumbledore!" Minerva stood up, looking positively aghast.

Albus seemed to come to and say "Oh, goodness me, is it that time already? I must dismiss you all!"

With that, Albus practically fluttered out of the room.

Surprised, Severus stood up with the rest of his colleagues. How strange it was, he thought, that though they once taught his when he was naught but a youngster, and now they served Hogwarts together.

"Severus!"

Severus turned around, seeing Minerva rushing towards him "Yes, Professor?"

"That was rather strange, the way Albus was acting," she said, pursing her lips.

"Quite right," he agreed.

"Possibly it's just an off day for him. At least, that's what I'm hoping."

"I am as well, Minerva."

"Nonetheless, we should keep a watchful eye on him."

"I am completely on the same page," he said, using phrase that Lily used so often. Lily...

"I am very glad," Minerva said hastily, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to grade some essays."

She spun the opposite way, as Severus continued walking, his cape swaying in a batlike manner until he came to his living quarters. Opening the door, he walked over to the desk, where there was a huge stack of letters, addressed to him. Opening one of them gingerly, she saw the familiar "_Dear Sev_". He stared at the letter, ending in _"Lots of love, from Lily"_.

Lily.

::

Seeing as his mood had been dampened and he was on an absolute tirade, poor Neville, very much on edge and feeling rather frightened, added too many basil leaves and blew his cauldron up. "This is the fourth cauldron this year alone which you have destroyed, Mr. Longbottom," Severus said, dangerously quiet. He heard the chortled of laughter coming from his godson and his pack of goons. "Whatever made you had to add three leaves, when the recipe clearly calls for only one? Was the book not clear to you, perhaps?"

Neville sat in his seat, shaking. The Granger girl was glaring at him in a rather nasty way. Severus seriously considered docking points from her because of that, but merely proceeded in saying "Ten points from Gryffindor."

::

The next day however, was even worse. Dumbledore had summoned both Severus and Minerva to his office.

"Now, there's no use hiding it. I have the evidence," he said sternly. "I know that the two of you have been meeting in Severus's office to shack up."

Sverus turned green as Minerva exclaimed "Professor, really!"

"There's no sense in hiding it-"

"Sir, are you suggesting-"

"Which is why I want you, Severus, to teach the new Sex Ed class!"

"Sir, are you sure-" Severus began to ask, before Albus cut him off.

"Severus, if any a man could teach them about the facts of life, it's you."

::

Needless to say, on this awful Wednesday, Severus Snape had to inform the entire fifth year about...well, sex. Draco kept snickering with Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini, Longbottom had passed out, Granger kept raising her hand to ask more questions, and that was just the session with the Gryffindors and Slytherins. Lord knows what would happen once the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs their lecture.

During his break, Severus had a small glass of Firewhiskey. After he was finished instructing the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, he intended in finishing the entire bottle. Je was certain the students were less than thrilled to have their greasy Potions teacher tell them the facts of life, but really, it was he who was the victim here.

::

"How were the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws?" Minerva asked him as she spotted him in the hallway.

"Nearly all the Hufflepuffs fainted, and all the Ravenclaws seemed bored or revolted," Severus sneered. "I don't understand why I had tell them, they all seemed informed!"

"They could have asked you questions, now wouldn't that have been worse?" Minerva asked kindly.

"It was still awful."

::

Severus was awakened at...Merlin's pants, it wasn't 1:22 am, was it? Where was that music coming from?

Groaning, Severus realized the Slytherins had decided to throw a party, probably with all sorts of vile behavior. Why on Earth on a Wednesday?

Creeping down to Common Room, wearing a black robe, he whispered "Salazar," to be allowed entrance.

The sight in front of him was absolutely appalling to the professor. Goyle was vomiting in a corner, Daphne Greengrass appeared to be in a very tight embrace with Nott, leaving Severus to believe they were breathing through their ears. Of course, Draco appeared to be grinding with younger Greengrass (Amelia? Anastasia? Amatha? It was too early for Severus to think) which appeared to make Pansy jealous, as she grabbed onto the closest person near her and began snogging them fiercely (which happened to unfortunately, be Ms. Tracey Davis).

"WHAT," Severus shouted causing the whole Common Room to stop what they were doing and stare at their head of house in horror "IS GOING ON HERE?"

Draco, attempting to use his Malfoy charms, grinned and said "Surprise! Happy birthday, Professor!"

"Malfoy, you are a drunken disgrace," Severus said flatly. "This is immoral. The Slytherin house, acting so irresponsibly. I am appalled by this behavior. Salazar himself would be ashamed. However, none of you will receive detention. This will remain a secret, as we shall not be the downfall Slytherin house. I will, however, subtract thirty points. Now, all of you, go to bed. And Miss Greengrass, please do not follow Mr. Nott to the boy's dorms."

::

"I say, Severus," Albus said as Severus came downstairs for breakfast. "That robe makes you bum look nice."

Severus's eyes widened "Excuse me?"

"Don't you think Severus's bum looks nice in those robes, Minerva?" He said, ignoring Severus entirely.

Minerva's jaw dropped "Professor Dumbledore!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Severus, was I out of line?"

Uncomfortable, Severus nodded.

"My apologies! Could you please go check on Miss Adams and Mr. Tyler? They've been taking a while!"

"Of course," Severus arose from table and headed to the second floor, where they were to be patrolling.

_Where on Earth could they be? _he asked himself after it was evident that they were clearly not patrolling. He then spotted a broom cupboard out of the corner of his eye. _AHA! _

Severus opened to door quickly to find them snogging.

"Well, well, well," he said to the terrified seventh years "The Head Boy and Girl of our school have been breaking all sorts of rules."

"Please Professor!" Squeaked Adams, a Hufflepuff "We were just-"

"Don't waste your breath making pitiful excuses, Miss Adams," He sneered "Fifty points fron Hufflepuff and Gryffindor. You will go to the Head of your house to recieve your detention. Now hurry along to breakfast."

::

And finally Friday night rolled around, which Severus was dreading. The teachers had received a list on where they would be staying for the night and what students they were to monitor. It appeared he was to sleep in the Ravenclaw Common Room, and Granget, Su Li, Norag MacDougal, Hannah Abbott, Tracy Davis, Daphne Greengrass, Terry Boot, Ernie McMillan, Seamus Finnegan, Nott, and Longbottom.

"If any of you put one toe out of line, you will be severely punished," Severus commanded. "Now all of you, go to bed in your dormitories. All of you." And so all the students headed up yo the dormitories.

_Well, this isn't so bad,_ Severus grinned contentedly, falling asleep on the couch.

::

If only it could have stayed that way.

Severus was jerked awake by the loud, obnoxious music. Blearily, he looked over the coych and shocked, saw the horror that was taking place.

Apparently, the Slytherins still had some party in them. All the students were chanting "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" as Neville downed an entire glass of beer, grinning as the crowd roared in approval. Daphne and Theodore were once again on embrace, Granger appeared to be playing chaperon and Su Li ran through the crowd with a thong on her head.

"MISS LI, WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Severus bellowed.

"It's not mine, it's Morag's!" She squeaked.

"I've been trying to stop them, Professor Snape!" Granger cried.

"Quiet, Miss Granger! AND DON'T YOU TWO THINK OF GOING ANYWHERE!" He pointed at Nott and Greengrass, who were halfway up the stairs to the boy's dorms.

"I honestly can say that I have never been more disappointed in a group of students. Blatantly breaking Hogwarts rules-yes, Miss Greengrass?"

"Well, what about that time Malfoy, Flint, and Crabbe got, quote "rip roaring roaring drunk" and had a strip show?"

"This tops even that, Miss Greengrass. I shall write home to each of your parents, and twenty five points will be taken away from each of you."

Each of the students seemed very upset as they headed up the stairs. Severus sighed, and groaned. This had been the worst week.

::

The next day, Severus angrily made his to headmasters' office. That had been a hell of a night. "Cockroach clusters," he said forcefully, and made his way to see Dumbledore.

"Hello, Severus!" Dumbledore smiled "Would you like a lemon drop?"

"No, I would not like a bloody lemon drop!"

"I sense some hostility Severus. Perhaps, a peppermint?"

"No, I do not want a peppermint! Thanks to your great idea, I have to handwrite ten letters to the parents of the students I was to watch because they threw a party! Never have I ever seen such behavior!" He ranted, Dumbledore merely smiling.

"What ever it is that is causing you to act in such a ridiculous manner, I urge you to snap out of it! It has resulted in the loss of my sanity! Never, ever, do something ludicrous again! I am begging you!"

"I have no idea what you are referring to, Severus," Dumbledore responded in his usual calm tone.

Relieved, Severus nodded "Very well. It seems you have snapped out of whatever trance you were in before. I shall leave."

"Goodbye, Severus!" Dumbledore called. He turned to Fawkes with a devilish grin "Didn't I tell you he was handsome!"

::

**A/N: This was really fun to write, so hopefully I'll write some more Snape things. I do reference another one of my fanfics here, Ravenclaws Perfected It, if you want to read that. Please review, it makes me smile!**


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